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The Love Languages Aren't Real...

I saw a tiktok recently where a woman cheekily shared that she needs ALL the love languages. It was stated in a way to imply she's "high maintenance".

But she's not wrong. She likely DOES need all the love languages. Because they're not real. 😲

There has not been a single study over the last 30 years that has been able to prove they exist, and airs on the side of disproving the theory. 🙈 (If you want real ways to connect, build intimacy, and get the love you both deserve, check out my free resources designed to do just that! They're even research backed)

This doesn't mean that we don't need to be shown love in different ways. We do! There are multiple forms of intimacy, but it would be silly to say, "I need emotional intimacy, but we don't need to go do things together...I have no need for experiential intimacy." We need many forms of intimacy for a connected, loving partnership, not just one or two.

Here's the issue: Too often I see love languages get used as collateral against partners. One partner is really good at giving physical affection, and the other partner says, "I don't feel loved by you. You don't give me love in my love language."

But here's the catch...that partner likely doesn't score high on physical touch precisely BECAUSE their partner is good at meeting that need. If they were not getting that need met, their score for it would be higher.

Circumstances determine our so-called "love languages". They are not a set-in-stone thing, but rather a reflection of what our partner is doing well, places we are still holding trauma (past abuse might cause a low score for physical touch), or areas our partner is struggling (someone partnered to an ADHD individual might score higher on acts of service because their ADHD partner struggles to show up in that way. In this case the love language reflects a longing and dream.)

What would happen if we used our love languages to express gratitude for what our partner is doing well, the areas we want to heal, and the spaces to dream with our partner about what we want to get better at?

If you want some real ways to express and be given love, I have a free e-book full of simple, fun exercises designed to help you give and get the love you both deserve in 30 days or less. Get it here and check out the other resources I have for couples!:

Your relationship cheerleader,


p.s. If you didn't get the last email, I have a new daily couples checklist that has everything a partnership needs daily to thrive, broken down into simple tasks. You can get it here!

Remember, relationship health is mental health, and I believe deeply you deserve the resources to thrive!


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